I am sure some of us had experienced interpersonal conflict with your close friends. N was my good buddy during secondary school days when SMS was just introduced. And because of SMS, our friendship took a temporary turn.
That day, my whole class met up at the MacDonald’s while waiting to go for a school musical. Seated beside N, I helped him look after his cell phone as he was buying food. Thinking that it was fine since N always allowed me to read his SMS inbox, I naturally went on to read his text in-box. When he returned, he flared up and yelled at me after knowing that I had read his inbox. I had never seen him this angry before. Everyone were shocked and stared at me. I tried to cool him down but he was too worked up and did not give me the chance to. Deep inside, I was thinking “What’s wrong? It is not the first time I’ve read your in-box”. Furthermore, we were close friends.
Feeling upset and embarrassed, I walked away immediately. I threw away my ticket to the musical and went home. Several classmates called and text-ed me, persuading me to go back but I refused to as I was too embarrassed to go back. N apologized for yelling at me too. It took me weeks before I cooled down and began talking to N. We never talk about this conflict again and we remained good buddies till today.
I suppose the main cause of this conflict was that I was too familiar with N such that I intruded his privacy unknowingly and without his consent. Maybe N’s SMS in-box contained something really private that day. How would you react if you were in my position that day?
Hey Chris! Back in junior college,my friends and i used to look through each other's inbox when anyone fell asleep in class, as a prank.We would tease each other about SMSes from our girlfriends. It was all done in the name of harmless fun, but we were always careful to never make fun of anything too personal.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to N because there were some days when my friends would tease me over very personal messages and though i knew it was done without malicious intent, i couldn't help but feel a little agitated.I guess i was lucky that i was able to manage my feelings,partly because i played the parts of both victim and culprit at one time or another.
N may have acted on impulse that day and over reacted. Your reaction showed how sometimes if we do not apply the self regulation aspect of EQ, we may end up losing even our closest of friends. It was very fortunate that you were able to act as you did.
Your initial reaction was what i would have done, which would be to try to diffuse the tense situation(cool him down).I think this helped N to realize once he had time to simmer down, that your intention was not to hurt, or intrude.Even in your blog post, you display a good amount of empathy, and an awareness that the memory this incident should remain buried.Which is why i am sure you and N will remain good friends.
I can really see that you are putting in effort to apply the 7Cs of writing! The story was concise (i can tell you tried to stick to the word count)and I could relate very well to the feelings that you described. I noticed a few grammatical errors, if you wish, i could point them out. Feel free at anytime to give constructive feedback on my blog :), i believe we can learn much from each other.
To be yelled at infront of so many people? I’ll do exactly what you did. It is just so embarrassing to stay and in addition, it was your best friend who shouted at you.
ReplyDeleteN was also cool, he knew that he may have over reacted to his best friend that day and apologized to you. Both of you managed to practice “self honesty” regarding the emotions you have felt during the incident.
Just curious, does he allow you to read his inbox now?
Hi Christopher,
ReplyDeleteI would be also deeply embarrassed if I was in your situation. And frankly, if I let my pride get the better of me, I think I may have retorted and verbalise my thoughts of "What's wrong?!". Thus I really think that you handled the situation well in that you did not shout back at him, and tried to cool him down.
And if I was humble enough (or at least if I felt humble then), I think I would have immediately apologised and admit my mistake instead of trying to explain. After all, he's clearly in rage and probably won't be able to listen.
So maybe I would have stayed for the musical - even though it would be very awkward. But I guess it would give me the opportunity to apologise again once he has cooled down (maybe during the musical interlude?). It won't be too wise to try to explain or question why his unprecedented rage to reading his SMS then though.
On another note, I think N displayed responsibility for his actions; his apology for flaring up at you showed that he went beyond self-awareness to actually doing something about it.
Thanks for sharing! Your post is easy to follow. :) Cheers.
@Eric, thanks you for your comment and pointing out my grammer (English is my weakest subject). Haha :D
ReplyDelete@Klara, no, I never looked at his inbox anymore after that incident. In fact, I learned to respect people after that, even if they are my closest friends.
@Noelle, you are right, maybe I should have stayed on to apologize. There is really a lot I learned from him these years.
Hello Christopher!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, if I were you on that day, I might have shouted at/argued with my friend in a moment of fury, since teenagers are usually rash. BUT knowing that I did not do anything wrong from my perspective, I probably would not have continued arguing in any case and would have walked away like you did to prevent further crossfire. So kudos to you for having self-regulation at that time since you did not flare up at him and even tried to calm your friend down :)
As for the musical, attending it might not be such a good idea, especially after a quarrel as it might further build tension. Once, a group of friends and I went out for a movie, not knowing that two of my friends had a falling out with each other a few days back. They ended up sitting at the opposite ends of the cinema (which we then thought was quite odd). One of them actually got even more upset because the other was purposely avoiding her and she ended up leaving right after the movie. The remaining people who were not involved in the quarrel eventually had to get the two of them to talk it through their problems.
It is good to know that N went on to apologise to you, since it meant that he knew he was also in some sort of wrong that day and knew that he had made you upset. Acknowledging that you were somewhat in the wrong was also a good way to resolve the tension.
Really hope that you two remain good buddies! Your post is something that most of us can related to:)
Hey Christopher,
ReplyDeleteIt's good you didn't shout back and just wanted to cool him down at that time,even though not knowing what's wrong you've done.You did a good job in self-regulation!And maybe walking away it's a good way to let both of you calmed down before talking about this conflict again.
However,I don't know if it's ok for your guys reading each other's inbox.As for me and many people around me,we won't read others' inbox unless they show the message to others.Everyone has their privacy after all.
It's good to know that you're still good friends now:)
Hi Christopher!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this -- I believe that the incident was a learning opportunity (for all) in disguise.
I also think that the whole hoo-ha could be ascribed to the fact that both of you were relatively young at that time? Perhaps N was trying to assert his own but lacked the empathy to do so with grace. To yell at you is one thing but to yell at you, in front of friends, in a public setting, reflects how unprepared he was to do so maturity. I suspect that he was also trying to introduce some boundaries (as you mentioned that he previously allowed you to glance at his inbox) and thus took the liberty to tell you off that in this unfortunate way.
Also, that time was the beginning of a new era in communication. We were all grappling with the correct, proper etiquette of how to use such a powerful new technology that this incident, though painful, seemed unavoidable.
I am comforted that you and N remain friends today - treasure that!
Dave
This is an interesting post, Christopher. It's clear, concise and comprehensive. It's relevant since SMS is an important channel of comm nowadays. My only criticism is that you might have NOT told us how you solved the problem. That was supposed to be the task of the reader. You even state that the problem has been resolved---which makes this anti-climactic.
ReplyDeleteA few language problems:
- I am sure some of us had experienced interpersonal conflict with your close friends. >>> I am sure some of us have experienced interpersonal conflict with OUR close friends. or I am sure some of YOU have experienced interpersonal conflict with your close friends. or Undoubtedly, everyone has experienced interpersonal conflict with a close friend.
Which version is most suitable?
- Everyone were shocked >>> ???
- I intruded his privacy.... >>> intruded in
- How would you react if you were in my position that day? >>better>> How would you have reacted if you had been in my position that day?
I appreciate your effort!
Hey Christopher, I didn't know that there are people who wouldn't mind others reading their text messages. I think such habit could potentially be harmful for you. So, you might want to consider not to browse through someone's phone, even after obtaining permission. He or she might not like it but feels uncomfortable to tell you so. Anyway, I think your friend reacted that way purely because he had very personal text messages he didn't want to share with anyone. To avoid such conflicts from recurring, you should avoid browsing people's phones.
ReplyDeleteHi Christopher,
ReplyDeleteGlad to see the story has a happy ending.
I believe you and N are very close friends. I am also confused that the reason why he yelled at you at that day.Maybe it is the first time that you read his text in-box without him standing beside you.But it is surely not a good habit to intrude others' privacy.
If I were you that day, I may have the same choice as you. The simplest way to get out of embarrassment is to run away.
@ everyone, thank you for all your comments, after that incident I learned not to read other people's text messages, even my girlfriend's.
ReplyDelete@ Brad, I appreciate your pointers.
- I am choosing, "I am sure some of YOU have experienced interpersonal conflict with your close friends"
- Would it better if I use "Everyone were shocked that N flared up"?
- I would replace it as "I invaded his privacy"
Thank you everyone for your comments:)